amnesiac

I wish i could recall my memories like they were some tapes or dvds that even time cannot erase.
I can say that I had a happy childhood.There were always gifts awaiting my brother and me at the foot of the Christmas tree,well decorated by my loving mother on the eve.I have been overwhelmed by emotions to the point of forgeting the minor details that can make one's heart smile or even be the motivator when the blackout dawns upon.

Childhood was resumed to playing and fun.Back then,a friend could still be called a friend. Fun was associated with building of kites,picking of sugar canes bare handed and eating them using teeth as knives,watching unexperienced friends swan dive into some type of dam or coming back with fish.Riding bicycles with newly found friends in random sugar cane field road tracks with no idea of where it would lead us to.Getting burnt by the sun and having blood oozing from one's nose resulting from prolonged exposure to sunlight.This was THE life.Adventurous at heart,we would walk towards the quietude of a lake and explore its surroundings and one day i remember seeing naked women taking their bath in a river.The laughters and smile they had were not similar to those of being upset or angry but it was a funny expression.We just continued our way.


I might have suffered memory loss but some things seem to come on and off.I have to recall,I must recall.

Amongst some other memories were the 'drive' for football.I am not a football fan and always despise that sport apart from the pleasures of playing it just for fun.I recall only two 'main' matches....one which ended at 8pm and where I nearly 'slept outside' as punishment of returning home late.There were no mobile phones at that time and what could a 7 year old do if the football playground is 2hours walk and in the middle of sugar cane fields? I had to wait for the elders to pack up so as to be accompanied.My dislike for football grew since very young.I didnt find any pleasure in supporting a particular team.I was always the goal keeper of any football team my neighbourhood friends would constitute.And instead of scoring,I'd become the net.

My self-esteem was crushed since very young and I blame my primary teacher for that.I still remember her looks whenever I had done something innappropriate in terms of wrongly answering questions.It began by comparing me to my elder brother,then sarcastic remarks and complete disregard to what we were at that time.Kids.Kids whose parents were working hard and who have left their projeny in the hands of someone who can potentially cause damage to a child,someone who knows nothing of the exterior world.And at the age of 13, I started flirting with suicide.I was in the darkest moods ever and wondered how I managed to survive this on my own without any one.Self esteem is very crucial.Its like the water which keeps the flower alive,especially when it has just bloomed.Replacing the water everytime would be renewal of life blood.

I don't remember crying whenever school days gave me no reason to smile.But at second thought,I kept everything inside.

To be continued......

Desir desir

Je caresse le reve de suivre des cours d'arts.Mais je ne sais si ce desir va se dissiper car dans ma tete je n'imagine pas ce que cela va etre mais je veux juste etre dans ce merveilleux endroit pour apprendre de nouvelles choses et m'expimer a travers des dessins.